if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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