My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Randomize