Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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