apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Randomize
