I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
