Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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