I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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