apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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