he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Randomize
