I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
