we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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