Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
