She went from zero to smokin in five shots
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
