im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
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