I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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