Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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