I just made out with a guy for $7.
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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