i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Houston, we have a squirter
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
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