Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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