I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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