break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
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