I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
