**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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