you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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