youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Randomize
