dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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