Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
