I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
