bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
and i looked up. we had an audience...
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
