Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Randomize