Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
