Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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