ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
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