haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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