Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
