This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize