I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
