Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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