GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
