Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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