She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
A+ Viking dick
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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