i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
