totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
dude. I can hear the air.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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