She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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