just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
