a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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