I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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