i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
