It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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