My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
