i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
