Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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