I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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