cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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