So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
