I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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