just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
high people should be assigned attendants
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
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