apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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