how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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