He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
