hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
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